"so that others may live"

I am basing my blog off of last night's episode of One Tree Hill.  Seriously, I cannot stop crying.  I truly love this series for that reason.  Everything hits home and everyone can relate.  I had a friend that I talked about in an earlier blog who passed away when she was a freshman in high school.  She was such an inspiration.  Last night's episode (I'm sorry if you have not watched it) ended with some random guy donating his organs "so that others may live".  I started crying because that is what my friend did.  She saved many lives even after she had left this world.  I am crying right now just writing this blog.  I do not want to die at a young age, but if I ever did, I would want to know that I was not dying in vain.  Saving others even after I pass away is one of the greatest gifts that I could ever give someone.  Jesus died for me and because of this, he saved me.  He saved me.  He saved me.  This is what my friend did.  She died and she saved others.  I sit here, barely able to see the screen because tears keep whelling up and I am thankful for both my friend and the life she lived.  She lived and died "so that others may live".  What an amazing story.  What about you?  Would you be willing to donate or even give up one organ "so that others may live"?  Could you?

hitting rock bottom

What would happen if everything in your life was completely taken away from you?  School, health, family, friends, possessions?  What would you do then?  In a way, this would be like hitting rock bottom.  I know most people do not have to have absolutely everything taken away from them but I know that some sure feel like that has happened.  My whole life was revolved around being the best Christian you could be and trusting God with everything, because He is all you have.  Oh my, I never really understood how true this was.  My family has been in financial trouble since I can remember.  Now, not saying this is good or bad, but it was different.  I also have had many car issues in my life that I have almost lost track of the problems that have occured.  I also have been very depressed.  You could say that was my rock bottom.  I think it was for me because everything else had other people included, the finances, the cars.  But, with depression, that was all me.  I was so depressed, my hours at work were cut to three hours a day because I would not get out of bed until I had to get to work.  Then, I would sleep all day.  I dropped all of my classes.  In fact, I started cutting myself because I wanted to just feel something.  This was my rock bottom.  Somehow, near the end of the summer, I pushed myself to reenter school and I pushed through it.  I got through my year at Parkland.  I thought that was never possible.  But, I also realized the fall of 2007, that God was with me the whole time.  I felt like I had nothing.  I knew my family was there but they didn't understand.  My friends and I rarely hung out and I was isolating myself.  I realized the only thing I had was God.  Once everything was stripped away from me, He was left standing and everything else had fallen apart.  He was my rock.  I needed Him to be.  I never let Him be but I was willing to give Him that role.  I can honestly tell you, I have never looked back.  I have struggled along the way, yes, but I have never fallen back down that pit since He pulled me out of it.  This has been the gain of my life.  God has been the gain of my life.  Is He yours?

giving or selling your possessions?

Okay, so this has been repetitive but it seems to be what I am supposed to talk about for some reason.  I'll figure it out.  Anyway, have you seen Oprah or Bill Gates or Donald Trump give away all their earnings, ever?  I don't think so.  I wouldn't want to.  I have sold a few of my things in order to have a more Christ-centered life.  But, just imagine one of these people deciding that whatever they have they are just going to sell or give it ALL away?  You have a big imagination.  Most people would think that they are completely nuts and insane.  But, what would your response be if they said, "Because God told me to."  With my dvd collection alone, I have had so many people question whether or not that is a good move at all.  Well, I can say this.  It is not their decisions, or MINE.  It was God's and I have to listen to Him.  Sorry but I don't want the wrath of God.  One way to tell if a person is truly in love with God and if that person truly wants to please God to their core is what they do with their life.  Giving and selling possessions is just a part of it.  However, this is one way to measure a person's belief and trust in God is if they are willing to part with everything they own in order to give glory to God.  I say that is one strong human being.  Is there something in your life that you need to part with because it is hindering your relationship with God?  Just pray about it.  He will tell you what to do.

do you die everday?

Do you die everyday?  I can say with 100% certainty that I do not.  But, isn't that what a Christian means?  To die everyday?  Let me explain.  Jesus asked us to take up our cross and follow him.  Do you get the picture now?  We are the ones that put Him up on that cross.  It was our sin that nailed Him there.  It was our sin that killed our precious Savior.  Jesus asks us to "die" everyday in order to follow Him.  Okay, no He does not mean literally.  He means for us to always jump out of our comfort zones and follow Him the middle of the valleys and in the darkness when no one else will enter.  He asks us to give up EVERYTHING we have and allow ourselves to do what is asked of us when Jesus commands it.  This is one area I REALLY need to work on.  I mean, I started it with small things and then God asked me to sell my DVD collection.  I'll be honest, that one hurt.  But, I know and feel that weight lifted off my shoulders because I do not have to have the best dvd's or the best collection because I want the best of God.  Now, I have heard of people having to sell ALL of their belongings in order to allow God to be the center of their lives (uh, Job anyone?).  I hope I do not have to do this.  But, I truly believe I would be able to now, now that my "most prized" possessions are gone.  I do not have anything holding me back.  I would like to say that I would do anything that God asked me to do.  So far, I've been okay.  But, I pray that He gives me the strength to do anything He needs me to do.  So, I have not died everyday to be with Jesus, though I should.  So, I pray to start now and allow my "dying" to be the hope and inspiration to someone else that they can allow God to be the center of their lives too.

living for Christ through everything

I know one thing that I have NEVER asked myself was "If I love Christ, how can he be magnified in my behavior this afternoon, this evening, this week?"  Piper poses this question as a challenge to those who need a little boost in our walk with God.  Life is not easy, and God knew that.  However, that does not mean that we do not strive to be the best that He wants us to be ALL the time.  Actually, sitting here thinking about it, I need to put this question next to my door as I walk out for the day.  I need to be constantly reminded that how I react or behave or even think, reflects how I can magnify God.  I'm going to be honest.  I had some pretty impure thoughts run through my head on the way back from my class this evening.  But, in order to get rid of those thoughts, I put on the radio to the local Christian station and I blasted it so I could focus on the words and drown out my thoughts.  I can tell you, it is not easy being a Christian that struggles with sin but how I respond to that sin is what either brings me closer to God or further away.  My reaction was to listen to God more and my thoughts less.  I have not always done this.  There are numerous times I have drown out God and let my sin consume me.  But, I am glad that this was not the way that I went today.  In fact, I heard God more today than I have this past week.  I really think I needed that to show me that God always needs to be the center of my life, even in my thoughts.  So, I will challenge myself and you that we all need to be asking that question about how to reflect Christ through our reactions, behaviors, and thoughts everyday of our lives.  Let's see what happens when we allow Him to take control of our lives and see what we are more proud of.  The sin that consumes us?  Or the God that consumes us?  I'll let you decide.

our life can have meaning

"If our life and death do not show the worth and wonder of Jesus, they are wasted."  Sitting here thinking about this statement has definitely hit home.  There are so many things in my life I am not proud of.  There are also many things in my life that other people have seen that would make them question whether or not I believe in God.  This hurts to think this about myself.  But, in reality has my life really reflected the "worth and wonder of Jesus"?  On the outside, yeah, maybe.  There are certain things that I strive to do not only because I love to do them, but because I know it brings glory to God.  But, my question is what really brings glory to God?  The fact that I act out what I think God wants or is it what I know He wants and act on it WITH ALL MY HEART?  I fear in my life that I will not be remembered for the person that Jesus is.  This has been one of my greatest fears since the moment I found out a friend of mine passed away in high school.  Her life was fully and completely devoted to God.  But, what about me?  Can people look at me that way?  I know that as I ponder on this question that John Piper proposes, I can have that kind of life.  I can be that person that others can see and notice that there is something there and they want to know what that is.  I know I can be the person that people see Jesus in.  Logically I know this.  But, I am sure that you have also had that feeling of "I know it, but do I believe it." 

A friend of mine recently witnessed to a complete stranger.  She asked this stranger if he had ever heard the story of Jesus.  This guy said he believed in Jesus.  However, my friend went further in asking, "You can believe in Jesus but do you have a personal relationship with Him?"  The stranger was confused and my friend went on to use the analogy of "You saw me and you believed I was there but you had no idea who I was.  Now we have a relationship.  Before you could not say that we had a relationship."  You could say, I believe that I can be the person Jesus wants me to be.  But, I need to believe in the relationship with Him that this will happen.  I need to give it to Him and allow Him to use me.  I always need to seek that relationship with Him.  So, yes, my life can have meaning when I pass on because I was able to live for Christ?  How about you?

vespers

Okay, so tonight was Vespers on campus.  First off, worship was amazing (as always) and second the speaker wasn't so bad himself.  Actually, one thing that caught my eye when he was speaking was about God's conviction.  He used and analogy of God constantly poking you to make you understand that you are either doing something you are not supposed to be doing or you need to get rid of whatever is hindering you from the joy He wants to provide you.  Well, first of all, I thought of everything I have been going through.  Then, he said, "He does this because He loves you."  Now, I knew God loved me before but I now realized that God does not make us feel bad about what we are doing or what we are supposed to be doing, He makes us realize there is a better way for us to choose.  For those of you who are not quite getting it yet, God wants us to choose Him and not what is surrounding us.  In fact, my own analogy that I used during Vespers was our parents' rules.  Okay, as kids we could not stand our parents' rules and we always thought they would set certain rules just to be mean, but they set certain rules to keep us safe and because they love us.  So in comparison, God's convictions to us is like our parents' rules; annoying and painful but necessary.  Now, when I have a conviction, I know it's not because God wants me to give something up to Him because He wants to make me mad or uncomfortable, He wants me to allow Him to be the center of that part of my life instead of what I am filling it with.  Now, that makes perfect sense to me.  It's all a matter of actually practicing it now.

following Christ is costly

Okay, I'm sorry to be a little harsh here, but those who think that following Christ is a cake-walk, have not a clue what is in store for them.  Look at the way Christ lived.  He lived a perfect, sinless life.  Okay, we are human, this will NEVER happen, but that does not mean that we can't strive to do that ourselves, right?  WWJD?  But, seriously.  What would Jesus do?  This used to be such a well known, overused phrase, but I am not sure if people really go the fact that this is something we need to be asking ourselves day in and day out, 24/7.  Jesus may have lived a perfect, sinless life, but that in no way says it was easy as pie.  He was persecuted, spit on, hit, betrayed, crucified.  He had things thrown at him.  He had been beaten, skewerd, tortured, beat down (physically, emotionally, and YES spiritually).  He had a rough 33 years.  So, what makes me think that if I say that I am following Christ, my life and trials are going to be easy.  Everything that Christ went through?  That was supposed to be me.  So, instead of having to endure that, He took over and let Himself take the blame for everything I have done to Him. 

In my life I have had financial struggles, relationship issues with both friends and family, school issues with finances and classes, sinful desires, self-esteem issues, and yes, I as well even betrayed my own God.  Now, saying that, this also provides for my life an amazing story to share with people who are going through the same things.  I am able to share what God can do through those areas of our lives that hurt the most.  That is an amazing ministry.  Whether we like it or not, God has called us in the ministry.  It may not be something that has ministry in the title, but ANYTHING you do is God's calling you into ministry.  I mean, think of rich people.  Think of the bank teller at your local bank.  Even people who clean up your garbage off the street.  Anyone and everyone is called to do ministry for God.  The struggles you have been through allow for that to happen.  Those struggles draw people closer to God because they feel like they are in the same boat as you are and your faith may be shining, or it may be in the middle of a trial right now.  Just remember, when you say that you are going "to take up your cross and follow Him" there is joy in the pain that we WILL endure.  I guess look at it as a blessing that you were chosen to follow in the footsteps of the greatest man whoever walked this Earth.

the right thing is rarely easy to do

"And because sin is the belittling of all self-satisfying glory of God, the suffering that breaks its power is a severe mercy."  John Piper is so right about this it's so not funny.  Sin is one of the hardest things to break.  It really is.  Once sin has become a habit it is more likely than not going to be around for a while.  I have had my fair share of sins and I know that it has taken months if not years to break some of them.  I mean, I have had a love affair with dvd's for 10 years.  That is a long time to put God on the back burner.  I am still trying to conquer this but I can say I definitely have made the best steps for myself than I ever had.  Listening to God.  I can tell you, when there is a temptation to sin with something in your life.  Whether it be a relationship with dvds (ha), or pornography, or food, or even something has hard to shake as pride.  I know I have had that problem.  I am slowly letting that go as time slowly ticks by.  But, when have you ever, and I mean, EVER known the right thing to do to ever be easy.  It rarely ever is.  That is why it is tempting to do what our sinful flesh wants to do instead of what we KNOW we should not do.  But, sometimes we take that route, don't we?  We take the route of sin and walk that road for a while until the scenery no longer appeals to us.  Then, we move on to another change of scenery until that one bores us once again.  It is a revolving door that I have been stuck in what seems like forever! 

However, when you look at the quote that John lays out for us to see.  It is when we decide to say no to that sin and break the power that is has over us, is when we find mercy and peace in God's loving arms.  It will be difficult to break that sin.  Like I said, it is NEVER easy to say no.  We will suffer while we make those decisions to learn to walk away from what is keeping us from the Almighty relationship that we have been longing for.  But in suffering comes peace.  Once the suffering is over and we have found our way back to God, there is this overwhelming peace that consumes us.  Once we have that peace, we will never want for anything else.  Now, this is not to say that you and I won't fall back into patterns from before, but we now know that there is something worth fighting against the world for.  We have had that feeling and we never want to lose that.  This is the eternal spiritual high.  And it's going to be an amazing ride.  So, hold on because God has something in store for us.  And I cannot wait to see what it is.

sharing God with others

You know, I find it interesting that it is somewhat rare to come across someone who is a devote Christian.  Now, I do not mean, they go to this church and read this Bible and believe in God.  The Devil can do that.  Guess what?  He also believes in God.  What I am talking about is someone who has an authentic relationship with God.  One that is so indescribable that the only way to know how they feel is to follow in their footsteps and seek a relationship with God on your own.  There are so many "good" people out there that have no idea what it means to be a Christian.  Heck, many Christians do not understand what it really means to be a Christian.  This is sad.  I would LOVE to be in a world where finding a person who either does not believe in God or calls themselves a believer but does not have faith in God, is rare.  That would be amazing. 

The reason I bring any of this up is because of the movie "Letters to God".  First of all, if you have not seen this movie.  DO!! And bring a box of tissues with you.  Seriously.  This movie is inspired by a true story.  An 8-year-old boy with cancer who reaches those in his neighborhood, school, and town to not only be the best people they can be but also to learn to seek God for those difficult questions that no one else can seem to answer.  Amazing story.  God calls us to have a child-like faith.  This kid, while yet literally a child, has the faith that even a thousand men could not comprehend.  The inspiring part of this story is this kid, Tyler, has cancer that is killing him, and he still shares what God is doing in his life and the love that God has for him regardless of how he feels that day.  He knows without a shadow of a doubt that God is in control.  Imagine living your life like this ALL the time.  This kid did.  He had more faith in his 8 tiny years, than I have had my whole life.  That is so inspiring that I had to share it.  Now, I want to be that 8-year-old who shares their faith with the world regardless.  And there is no time like the present!

purging of my life

So, I was reading "Don't Waste Your Life" by John Piper and in chapter 3 he kept bringing up the fact that we do not have to live a financially wealthy life or know everything in the world for us to make a last impact on the world.  Honestly, I never thought about it before but he is totally right.  As soon as I started reading this, my heart started racing.  You may wonder why, well, I have one thing in my life that I have put before God almost 100% of the time.  That would be my dvd collection.  I have collected dvd's over 10 years now and so you can say that I have devoted a lot of time and money into this "hobby".  I have over 500 dvd's.  Yeah, I know..... a lot.  But, when I was reading what Piper was saying, I realized that I was not living a life for God but living a life to see how many dvd's I can collect over the years.  Okay, so now when I pass on, what are people going to remember me by?  My dvd collection?  Or how about, the way I lived my life for God?  As of right now, I know people would know me for my dvd collection.  I hear people always describe me as "the one with the dvds".  Oh, yeah that showed them!  HA. 

I have been realizing for a while that I want to live my life for God but I never thought I would have to give up something that was so valuable to me in order to allow Him to take over anything in my life.  Seriously?!! My dvd collection?!  What is He doing to me?!  I'm going to be honest, I got a huge headache over knowing that I was going to have to go through ALL of my dvd's and sell them.  Okay, so I did keep some dvds.  But, let me get this out before anyone says, "Well, then you're not really following what God wants you to do."  I really believe that He wants me to have a relationship with Him; not the dvds.  The one thing that I really need to do is get in control of my spending and collecting.  He does not say that it is bad to have material things.  However, it is bad when those things are taking place of your relationship with Him.  So, I went through my dvd's and decided to keep the ones that were Disney (duh, it's Disney), motivational films (i.e. Freedom Writers), war films (I LOVE history), my homemade videos (no one is going to want those anyway), some classic dvds (White Christmas) and a couple of dvds that I DO watch and enjoy (Because I Said So).  But, everything HAS to go.  I mean, I want people to be able to look at what I own and think of the kind of person I am when I am not in the room.  I mean, when you walk into someone's house and you see skulls everywhere, what do you think of them?  When you walk into my house and you see good wholesome things around, what is your impression of me then?  I know, worlds different.  So, needless to say, I came to the conclusion that I want people to know me for my relationship with God and not what I own.  So, in order to do this, I am doing exactly what God asked Job to do (to an extent, at least for right now) and get rid of what is hindering me with my relationship with Him.  In this case, it would be my dvd collection.

making a lasting impression?

I have talked before about leaving a legacy on this world.  But, did you know that you can leave a legacy on this world WITHOUT having to know absolutely everything, or even have made something of yourself.  The only thing that you need to have done is to live life to the fullest with God in the center.  My whole educated life, I thought that I had to make this huge impact on people by being the very best at what I was doing.  Well, at that time it was either music, or drama, or teaching (after all that is what I was supposed to be doing with my life).  I never really took into consideration that those in the Bible did not have billions of dollars, or their names plastered everywhere, or the best designer clothes, or the biggest donation to the best charity.  This may sound strange considering we all know that as a fisherman, it is physically impossible to have been able to do ANY of that. 

You can make a lasting impression with your smile.  Ha.  That sounds so simple.  This summer my roommate and I were talking about a huge tragedy that happened in our hometown.  We were talking about the people that passed away that year.  8 to be exact.  I know.  How can one town have been so devastated with so many deaths in ONE year?  Well, we were and we were also able to move on.  But, one thing that ALWAYS sticks with me is the first person that passed away.  She was so young.  She and her mother were on their way to pick up her older brother for Easter.  She died on Good Friday.  I know I don't have to ask this question.  But, who else died on Good Friday?  Yep.  Her Lord and Savior.  She was a freshman in high school.  There are a few things that I remember about her.  She had a contagious smile.  She was always smiling and laughing.  But, most importantly, she radiated God's love wherever she was.  The last thing I remember about her was the night that I was walking out of the high school, away from musical practice, she had me sit with her and two of her friends.  She and her two friends were discussing what it would be like to die and go see Jesus.  She talked so highly of just praising God all day long, every day.  I asked her why she was talking about this.  Didn't she want to grow up and get married.  She told me, she could not see herself getting older.  She just wanted to be with Jesus.  This was Thursday night.  I sit here and cry about it because I remember how God orchestrated all of that perfectly.  Her memorial day was so packed that people were sitting in the welcome center to be there.  You could easily fit 1000 people there.  But, with the packed church there was probably closer to 1500 people there.  At a freshman girls' memorial service.  She saved so many lives that day.  She was not even here and she saved more lives in one day than I have probably saved in all my 24 years of living.  She was not a billionaire or a model or even a teacher.  She was a God-fearing, 14-year-old freshman, who loved God with all her heart, soul and mind.  She made a lasting impression.  Can you say that about yourself?  Right now, I know I can't.

are you passionate for God?

I know I would like to think that I am a passionate person when it comes to God.  However, what I think and what I know are two completely different things.  I would like to think I am but if I look at my life.... I know I am not.  Lately, I have had a passion to do what God wants me to do.  What's funny?  I have been in school for six years to become a teacher.  Just this past Sunday, I realized how much I secretly hate teaching.  Isn't that crazy?  That is so much money wasted on something that I hate doing.  Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love children and I would LOVE to teach them..... about God.  However, in a public setting, that is not ever going to happen the way that I know I need to teach people.  But also, lately, there have been a ton of people who have come to me for advice and I love to answer those questions the best that I can.  I love to serve people in that way.  So, am I living my life with the passion for God?  I would have to say no.  I was not listening to anything that He wanted me to do.  I was going off of what other people told me that I would be good at and doing for the rest of my life.  The earliest memory I have is in my first grade classroom, my teacher told me that I would be a good teacher.  Ever since then, I thought that's what I was supposed to be.  In a way, I do believe this but overall I believe I am supposed to be teaching in other ways, not in the classroom.  It sucks doesn't it?  I wasted all of this money to realize this is not what I am supposed to be doing.  So, I did decide that I am going to finish out my education in this field and then once I get a job, I plan on going back for social work.  This way, I can help those who are less fortunate than I am because, honestly, that is where my heart truly is; with those less fortunate than me.  I love those people will all my heart.  So, now you could say from discovering over these last six years, I have not been living a passion for God, but for people who told me what to do with my life.  Now, I can honestly, say I know what I am supposed to do.  Now, I just have to do it.

stars

I have probably talked about sitting under the stars before but I really need to talk about them again.  Over a week ago, I was sitting under the stars out in the woods, next to a lake by a bonfire.  Oh my, it was gorgeous.  I was sitting by myself just listening to the woods and the crackling of the bonfire and two things I could not get out of my head.  One, I really wished I had someone to share that with and two, God is so amazing.  The sky was the clearest I had seen it in a while and I could not believe all the little noises that went along with outside.  Sitting under the stars with the vastness of the sky and the billions of stars that shown before me, I could not do anything but thank God for the wonderful creation He had made.  Isn't that what our surrounding is supposed to do?  Are we not supposed to look at the stars or nature, or the simplest of things and say thank you to God for all that you have done?  I know that most who read this have heard the Bible verse "The heavens declare the glory of God, and the sky above proclaims his handiwork" (Psalm 19:1).  Just sitting in silence and letting God talk through his creation is one of the most amazing things you could ever do.  I suggest to go out and just be still with God and everything around you.  You will be amazed at how peaceful the world truly is and how wonderful and magnificent God will always be.  Sigh..... I love you, God.

do everything for the glory of God

I know in my life I have not done everything for the glory of God.  But, let me tell you, once I started this spiritual renewal in my life, that has completely changed.  Yeah, there are times that I have fallen but I have picked myself back up in the sake that I can do it because God has there holding my hand.  A small way of doing this were two things that happened today.  First, I was walking around campus, I was being sent to another office for a delivery, and I was noticing the different colors of green that God has created in the nature around us.  I also really enjoyed the sunlight and breeze.  This may sound like I was just walking from one place to the next.  But, I guess I was walking with a purpose but with a smile on my face.  A friend of mine stopped to say hi to me and they noticed the happiness in my smile.  They asked me if I had just found something out or what because they could tell something was up.  I told them that nothing new was going on.  I just was happy.  I told them I was enjoying the sun and the breeze and I was happy that it was absolutely beautiful outside.  That's all.  I know my friend is probably thinking how crazy I looked but he said that he could tell something new had happened.  I was enjoying my life because God created it. 

The other thing that happened is even less extravagant.  I was cleaning my apartment and the ring that I had been wearing for over a month has been missing for a week now.  I just prayed that I could find it if He wanted me to because I really like that ring, and it meant something to me (purity).  As I was cleaning my apartment, I felt the need to look in the couch.  Though, I have already done this I figured I would try again.  Well, the first cushion looked the same as it had the week before when I was looking for my ring.  But, the second cushion, the ring was sitting right on the edge.  A smile crossed my face that was so big, I wanted to cry because I finally found my ring.  I seriously could not have been any happier than I was right then.  I now can wear my ring again because I relied on God to show me where it was.  I want to challenge myself and you too, that you look at the positive things in life and whatever you are doing, do it because you know it will bring glory to God.  Those around you will see the glow that you have because God has given you the passion to do what you love.  Even in the Bible it says to drink and eat for the glory of God.  Even in the small things, put God at the center of them and your life will never be the same.

purpose of enjoying God

I am sure you have seen those Christians who say that their main goal in life is to enjoy and live life to fullest with God at the center.  I aspire to be one of those Christians.  However, I have more often than not seen Chrsitians who say this but do not live it out.  I understand how difficult it is to live something like that out.  But, think about all those people who are not Christians.  Think about the way that they view you when you act out because of anger or talk about those people that make you upset.  Or even how you talk about the negative aspects of your life instead of the joy that is in it.  What are those non-believers thinking about you and your faith?  I have tried to be the person that people come and talk to and that person that when I pass on that people will not harbor feelings towards.  I know there are times in my life I have not been successful in this and I regret every time I fall short.  But, what about those times when you pick yourself back up?  What do those people see?  A lot of the time it is not in the initial mistake people are upset about it's the follow up that the person acts out.  Are they humble?  Are they arrogant?  What are they portraying about the name of our God?  This life will be wasted if you and I are not able to act out the excellence in God in the joy in our lives.  I need to stop proclaiming God's name if I am not going to enjoy what He has given me.  I need to start worshipping Him because of the blessings He has given me and show those around me that I am grateful for His gifts in my life.  This is what the non-believers will start seeing in you.  The non-believers will want that joy and excitement that you have in your life because they see who God is in you.  Now that would be an amazing legacy to leave, wouldn't it?

Questions

There are so many questions we tend to ask ourselves.  Such as, What is life about?  What is it for?  Why do I exist?  Why am I here?  All these questions are very difficult to answer even for Christians.  Us, Christians can say we are here to glorify God; which, is essentially why God made us.  But, we also have the question, What is MY purpose?  We all have different purposes that God has planned us for.  We may not know what they are yet or maybe God has placed us in that purpose already.  It is difficult to know but let me tell you, when you hear God tell you what you are supposed to be doing, you can rest assured there are no questions asked about it.  You WILL know when calls you to do something.  We sometimes may have the thoughts of if it is us trying to convince ourselves or if it is God talking to us.  I have had so many people ask me this.  In all honesty, I didn't know.  I knew that God was going to take care of me because He had done that so many times in the past but I was not sure what hearing God's voice was like.  This summer when I started this blog, was when I knew what God's voice sounded like.  The words that are used to describe it doing nothing for me.  Trust me, when you know, you WILL know. 

However, to answer any of the above questions, all you really need to do is be still and listen.  Listen to what God has for you or maybe something that leads to what God has for you.  You never truly know until it's over.  I truly believe that God brought me to Greenville to get to know who He truly was personally; for myself.  I lived my whole life through my church and my parents' faiths but I never really took it on myself.  Sure, I went out and did service projects around town or even on mission trips.  I heard so many people say, "You have God solidly in your heart.  We can see it.  You do everything just for Him.  We want to be like you."  Oh my gosh, seriously?!  I knew how to put on a front.  I learned that growing up in the church that I did.  I knew so many people who would do everything against what God was during the week but would put on an image in church.  I knew how to do that.  Those people who said those things to me, knew absolutely nothing about me.  Sad to say, including my family.  Right now, it is still hard for my family and friends to understand the changes that I have undergone this last month or so.  It may seem strange to them but this is who I am now.  So, the questions that I have been able to answer for myself are absolutely none of them.   Ha.  Seriously.  I just want God to do what He wants in my life.  If He answers any of those questions then, awesome.  If not, He has something for me I definitely was not thinking for myself.  So you need to let God handle those questions and just roll with what He gives you.  Trust me.  It's worth the ride.

why complain?

Today, I learned a whole heck of a lot and not from any book.  I read a friend's blog today and I couldn't contain myself.  I started to cry.  I really tried not to as I was in the company of some friends, but oh well.  A friend of mine has cancer.  Breast Cancer.  She is two years YOUNGER than I am.  How is this possible?  We are too young to have something this devastating happen to us.  I mean, it is devastating no matter what age you are but at my age?  My grandmother went through breast cancer and did not beat it.  She died at 45.  All I could think of when I was reading my friend's blog was what happened to my grandmother.  She was 20 years older than my friend is now and she was not able to beat the disease.  This is not supposed to happen. 

I read her blog and I could tell how angry she was at the cancer.  She wanted to scream from the room she was in at anyone who would listen.  She wanted to be whole again.  I immediately started to think about my situation.  I have been ill for over a week now.  Like I have lost too much weight than what you should lose in a month when you're eating right and working out.  I have been unable to eat anything for fear of my body rejecting it.  But, this is NOTHING compared to what my friend is going through.  What right do I have to complain about anything?  I know I am going to get better.  But, she has to fight this the rest of her life.  How fair is that?  My complaining, first is not helping anyone, and second is not making anything better.  Today, when I read her blog, it was the first time she has shown any sign of frustration towards her disease.  She has been dealing with this for a while now and I have been sick for a week.  Seriously?!  Can I be any more ridiculous?  Can I be any more selfish?  I honestly, have never felt so bad about something in my life.  I am such a selfish human being.  I knew that but I never understood how much.  I am shocked with myself. 

The best part of this whole thing was when I went to Vespers tonight (a student-led worship service).  We sang "Nothing But the Blood".  In the middle of this song, there is a line that says "What can make me whole again?  Nothing but the blood of Jesus."  I immediately thought of my friend.  She had wanted to scream this the night before in a room waiting for a nurse to come in and tell her how they were going to remove part of her that almost defines us as women.  She just wants to be a human again and whole at that.  I had such reassurance tonight when I heard this part of the song.  In fact, I couldn't sing it because I was thinking of my friend.  I immediately started crying.  It's amazing how life can be put into perspective when you least expect it.  Sometimes I just wish that I would get my life lessons with a brick that is less heavy than learning through someone who has cancer.  Why is that?  Why is it that we only understand the meaning of life or something in it when someone we know is faced with such a situation?  Or even worse, having known someone who did not make it, for whatever reason?  Why must we learn our lessons through such tragic of events?  I pray that I will not have to learn these lessons the hard way like this.  I pray that God shows them to me with I hope an open heart, so I and no one else has to go through something so difficult for someone else to see who God truly is.  I know this is life and life happens, so I do know that this is probably not going to happen; but I can always dream right?

Making Peace with Sin

Reading John's book has really brought a new perspective in my life on how sin should be viewed.  As a human, I view sin as something that is inevitable and it will always happen no matter what.  But, why should I stop trying to make sure that I never sin?  There are so many views that say, "Well, we sin.  Just ask God to forgive you and all is well."  I agree with this but I know there are people out there that take advantage of what a merciful God we have.  They also tend to leave out the justice part.  Jesus did say in Matthew 5:29, "Better to gouge out your eye to kill lust and go to heaven than to make peace with sin and go to hell."  Okay, honestly, I would rather be blind and in heaven than in hell without Jesus.  It made so much sense to me when I read this that I felt really stupid for all the other times that I have justified why I do things, instead of letting God take control of my thoughts or actions.  I am human and sin will happen but never stop trying to take control of your sin.  Today for instance, I was going to say something to a friend of mine who could couldn't care less about foul language and I chose not to because of the message it sent to her of the kind of person and Christian I am.  I refrained from saying something that could blow my witness to her even though it doesn't matter to her what I say or how I say it.  But, it matters to God how I portray Him.  He doesn't need me to be a vessel for Him but He loves us enough to WANT to use us for His glory.  If I said what I was going to say to my friend, her thoughts would have been no different but God's disappointment would have been huge.  Ha.  I would rather have my friend think I am a prude than have God disappointed in me.  No thanks. 

what are you doing for your life?

I have wondered this question, seriously, my WHOLE life!!  I really wish I knew.  I am still wondering this but right now I am going until God tells me otherwise.  So, far God has kept me here through rough patches and easy ones.  Piper mentions in his book that he thought he was supposed to be a doctor because he loved the idea of healing people and finding cures for things.  Well, when he decided this, his first semester starting off with his classes, he got mono for three weeks.  He was laid up in the hospital while he was supposed to be in his Organic Chemistry class.  Okay, I would never want to miss ONE day in that class, and he missed THREE WEEKS!!  Yikes!! Well, needless to say, while he was in the hospital he discovered it's not a doctor he wanted to be but a minister.  He realized that he wanted to completely and utterly dedicate his life over to God and do everything according to Him.  That is awesome!! However, don't think you have to drop everything your doing or your career because someone else did.  That is just what John knew he was supposed to do.  Maybe God has a plan for you to use your career or whatever your doing to reach those around you.  I do not know but only He does.  Just pray about it.  There are many things that people do in their professions in order to show who God is. 

In high school, I had the most amazing choir director.  She was a Christian but she worked in a public school.  That makes me laugh just thinking about it because she did not care that she announced everyday that she was a Christian and that God was the answer.  She picked music that allowed her to talk about who God was and what He could do for her students.  I have never appreciated someone so much.  In a public school, your job is in jeopardy if you mention your faith without someone asking you first and even then you have to be careful with how you talk with them about it.  She threw caution to the wind.  She knew that this was who she was and she knew that she was not ashamed of what she believed in and she wanted the whole world to know.  Now, if only all the Christians in this world lived out loud like my choir director did, then we would have a much better place.  Christians nowadays are so scared to mention that they are a Christian, in fear of losing their jobs or family or friends that they keep silent.  How is that helping you or anyone else?  How is that bringing others to the Kingdom of God?  I know your job might be in jeopardy if you do that but who said that those who stood up for what they believed in where handed trophies by the world?  In fact, they were persecuted and even killed for that.  But, my question is would you be able to put your life (or job) in jeopardy for someone who saved yours? 

stop and smell the roses

I am one to take everything in when I go somewhere.  Sometimes it drives my friends up the wall because they want to go from point A to point B.  But, I am one for the journey (and sometimes the destination).  I actually have a confession, I get nervous about the destination.  But, that is for another time.  The journey is a huge part of my life.  My mom loves going on trips with me because all I do is look at the small things and get excited about them or comment on the different colors in the world.  But, in reality, how many of us actually sit and see the world?  I mean, REALLY see the world?  I have been down to watch birds jump around on the pavement and chirp to one another while looking for food, or watching squirrels scurry up the tree after one another fighting over an acorn.  Ha.  I love those moments.  Sometimes my friends have to pull me away because I could just sit and watch nature for hours.  There are two things that I ALWAYS forget to look at and marvel at when I am heading somewhere.  The sky and the stars.  Don't get me wrong, I see them and notice the blue color but do I really SEE them?  John Piper challenges us to not just look up and see if there is a sky but look up and see the sky for what it is.  The clouds in the sky and notice the brilliant white with the blue poking through.  Or the stars in all their glory and stunning ability to take us somewhere else. 

Enjoy what God has given you.  That's why He put it here.  He put nature here for us to enjoy it and for us to see His wonderful artistry and love.  All the colors of green, or blue, or red.  There are so many shades just in nature alone without man-made alterations.  It is all beauty in itself.  The challenge is to enjoy God's work and beauty through nature and the journey of life; not just the destination.  If you see just the destination, you will miss everything in between.  I know I have done that.  Now, it's time for me to take on that challenge as well.

"Only what's done for Christ will last."

This sentence hit me really hard in the middle of the night.  I am going back and forth between reading books.  This statement came from John Piper's "Don't Waste Your Life".  Now, I took this statement as something that I can plug into every part of my life.  My attitude, my classes, the way I treat people, my decisions, etc.  I know that all sounds simple.  However, I have talked with a lot of people that think doing things for Christ only means on Sundays, on missions trips, or when it is convenient for them.  Let me tell you, nothing about being a Christian is convenient.  That is why it is easy to choose the sin over Christ.  God never said anything was going to be easy when we decide to follow Him.  It may not be easy, but it is so worth it. 

I was reading this first chapter and I actually read the same paragraph about three times before these words stuck out to me like neon lights in the sky.  I started thinking, "What have I done in my life that God could say "Well done, my good and faithful servant."?"  Those of you who know me, know that I have a movie collection that could put some movie stores to shame.  I also have a huge heart for teaching inner city kids.  I also have the intentions to be the best person I can be, though I fall short quite often.  But, am I really doing any of this for God?  I'm looking at my movie collection right now, thinking "When was the last time I actually sat down and watched any of those?"  I have thrown away a few this Summer that I knew were hindering me from a relationship with God.  But, are the rest as well?  What about my teaching kids?  Am I doing this because it's fun for me or is it what God wants me to do?  I still struggle with this one.  I have been told my whole life that I am supposed to be a teacher.  It's definitely getting harder and harder to think that this is true, especially when it's getting harder to graduate on time.  I do try to make sure my decisions and intentions are honorable but sometimes I get myself in trouble with friends and even enemies.  As a Christian, I want my life to show them that I am the person that they can see has Christ living inside of her.  If I push my Christian AND non-Christian friends away with my mouth and actions, what does that show them?  Christ is not going to care about the "cool" things we got to do or the stuff we got to buy because of our massive paycheck.  He is going to care about how we honored Him in what we were doing.  If you want to go buy movies, then do it.  I'm not saying you can't.  My only question is, is the movie you are buying going to honor God?  Now, let me ask myself that question.

car lessons

Okay, those of you who know me and my family well, know that we have had our fair share of car problems within our family.  Well, tonight was another one.  I should feel normal about this one but I couldn't fix the problem myself.  I called my towing company and they said they wouldn't help me until my car died (well, thanks!).  So, the next step was to call my family to see what to do.  If I couldn't close the trunk then my car battery would die.  I tried for over an hour to get the darn shock off the back of the van in order to close the trunk and sure enough, it's as stubborn as I am.  So, now what?  My dad and my mom have to come down and help me remove a small piece of my vehicle so I can use it tomorrow.  What in the world?  You would think that after years of car issues, eventually they would stop.  But, it just keeps going.  I keep trying to figure out the reasons for this.  Well, I knew early on that God allows us trials and tribulations in order for us to understand certain lessons that we need to be getting.  HA.  I think I have not learned my lesson yet.  In fact, car number 23 is a lot and I think I need to get it soon.  I know having car problems teaches many things, like how to fix a car, what to do when your car breaks down, and even things you can do that the car shop does not so you save money.  But one thing I have learned A LOT through all of the car problems have been patience.  Let me tell you.  You need patience and humor in order to get through all the car issues that my family has had.  I mean, I know people who have had 23 cars but not because they HAD to have to replace cars but because they enjoy them.  I'm just happy with getting from one place to another in a cardboard box with wheels and an engine.  Maybe I should start wanting something more so I can get a better car?   Nah, I don't think that's the point.  I was all worked up about it.  But, reading what I just wrote makes so much sense to me I think I just need to let it go now.  I do feel bad that my family has to come down and "bail" me out, but in the long run, I also know family is there for me through thick and thin, even if we may not like it.  I just need to be thankful that I have a family that cares enough about me to drive four hours in a day to help me close my trunk.